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Why do these people always attack in any circumstances?

Oh my god.when my baby was 1 week old I did the 1 week old baby photo shoot, as required by Society. And of course we got the requisite photos of Baby Asleep in a Galvanized Bucket. With the rustic backdrop. You know. The one everyone has. And the one where the Mother and Father hold the baby aloft like Simba, and the background is misty. And the one where you all hold the baby like it’s a loaf of artisanal bread. All of the Peak White Nonsense photos. The photographer has seen it all before. Don’t worry about the baby cooperating - the photographer is magical, and after a brief warm-up period, they can hypnotise the baby into any pose, then they jump back and take the photo. All YOU have to do is sit there, and work on your loving expression. It’s not difficult; everyone manages.

You gotta do these pictures when the bab is about a week old, when they’re still scrunched up prawns with closed eyes, in that fragile between-worlds state. Idk but everyone does them. And you say “the baby will never be this Smol again!” To justify it. But you don’t have to justify it. It is indeed very cute. They are Smol, and presented like a loaf of artisanal bread in a large wooden bowl against a rustic backdrop, and it makes sense in context. Enjoy it.

If you get twins then you do the one photo where you put one baby on top of the other. You make a baby stack, and pay money to photograph it, and then you frame that shit. This is mandatory. Every multiple birth I know of has this picture. Every parent of multiples brushed their hair, and went out and got the picture, and also the one where they’re holding one twin in each arm and looking down mistily, and the one where each parent holds a baby and they stand back to back. You do the Comedy Twins version of the photo (look surprised because they are two!!) and then the Serious one, where the parents look down mistily. Lots of misty looks. We are celebrating White Parenthood here - it is even more intense than the wedding.

You put these photos on Facebook. Everyone else has the same ones but you are desperately proud, and you don’t care.

This is Peak White Nonsense. You have to understand that the newborn photo shoot is Peak White Nonsense. And the one-year-old photo shoot - the Cake Smash - is the single most Heterosexuals Are at It Again thing you ever saw. (It’s where you take the one year old, and you give them a large photogenic birthday cake and a wooden spoon, and take pictures of them covered in cake, looking excited but bewildered, with a giant wooden number “1” in the background. I can’t bring myself to approve of it. But it’s a Done Thing.)

But here is Beyoncé with her Twin Photo Shoot daring to GET THE SAME PHOTO. This is the same photo as British white couple Mike the plumber and Terri the hairstylist from Chippenham got with THEIR twins, the one where Terri stands in a maxi dress holding a twin in each arm, the one Terri’s parents will carefully frame in gold and show to everyone (EVERYONE). But Beyoncé? Beyoncé has an objectively better dress. And the backdrop is not the soft-focus floral wallpaper of the photographer’s studio in Chippenham, but REAL flowers, with the impression of a beach.

How dare she. How very dare she. How dare Beyoncé take a fresh and invigorating Twin Picture.

How dare Beyoncé be Beyoncé, and be objectively better at it. Quick, let’s pretend we don’t do newborn photoshoots! Then we won’t feel the Shame.

Originally posted by meanwhileongiphy